Shadowrun
Shadowrun General => General Discussion => Topic started by: JimJungle on <07-10-11/1740:54>
-
So I've had this idea of having a Face char be a comedian (Con + Fast talk). And I am looking for some good (or not so good) Shadowrun Jokes. So what have you guys got? No limits on how dumb or bad.
-
What's the difference between NetCat and a commlink? A commlink can't get knocked up.
-
What do you call twenty Humanis Thugs and a Troll?
A fair fight.
-
What's the difference between the Ancients and Humanis? About 0.3 meters and pointy ears.
(Incidentally, don't forget to take Enthralling Performance. Open mic night at the comedy club your target is hanging out at? Makes for a really really easy extraction.)
-
What do you get after eating a Pixie?
Empty calories and the munchies almost immediately.
-
How many Shadowrunners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. A Hacker to turn off the electricity, a Gun Bunny to 'extract' the former light bulb, a Face to haggle on the price of a new bulb, and a PhysAd to do all the actual work, using a Cybered out Troll as a ladder. And it'll cost you 1000 nuyen a head, too.
-
Why do Orks and Trolls smell so bad?
So blind people can hate them, too.
-
Have you heard the one about Lofwyr?
...
Neither have I, try the veal!
-
Ask me if I'm an orange.
Are you an orange?
No.
-
Then there was the Magician that had no sense of humor...
*Falls over and doesn't move*
-
How many pixies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but I'm not sure how they got in there.
What's the difference between an ork and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
-
A Humanist walks into a bar.
The Ork takes another swing.
-
"A technomancer and a mage walk into a bar--" mouth keeps moving, no sound is heard.
-
What do you get when you put a Troll and a Dwarf in the same room?
Record distance.
-
Quoting . . .
What's long and hard on a Shadowrunner?
Second grade . . .
-
whats the difference between a park bench and a Troll? A park bench can support a family of Five
-
A Dwarf walks into a Bar and says:"One short!"
Bartender replies:"I can see that . . "
-
And on that note, what's the difference between a family of five and a Troll?
Again, a park bench can support a family of five.
mimes troll falling through bench
-
Why do Trolls have such a hard time concentrating? Their always "horny".
-
You know your from the Barrens if.
You've ever scraped your elbows trying to get something out of a dumpster.
Your kids use Cheeze Whiz in place of toothpaste.
You clean fish on your ironing board.
Your favorite color is shiny.
You wish you could bend your head down as far as your dog can.
You fix slower-than-dog-shit traffic lights with a 12 gauge shotgun.
You know where to get government Soy.
Your attorney can be reached at 1-800-WIP-LASH.
Your kids are the source of school head lice epidemics.
Your kids end up on milk cartons before you notice they're missing.
Your wife thinks her thighs look thinner in Spandex.
You keep your shed more secure than your house.
You wish those nosy, pencil-pushing retards at the Division of Insurance Fraud would leave
you the hell alone.
You've seen someone spray their Commlink with Lysol after you used it.
Your Job skills include being handy with cattle prod and knowing how to roll back an odometer.
Your kids give meaning to the term 'nose mining'.
You put Kool-Aid in baby bottles.
You keep spare Ferris wheel parts in your shed.
Your wife asks about layaway at flea markets.
Your girlfriend breaks her ankle bracelets on your rearview mirror.
Your idea of good luck is finding arm rest towels to match leopard skin slip covers.
Your Dad had a real knack for finding things at the dump that were "too damned good" to be
thrown away.
Your wife poses for the BEFORE pictures in miracle weight loss ads.
Your wife's favorite wedding present was a pair of goggles.
You think a pap smear is what daddy wipes on his jeans after a healthy sneeze.
The sight of a Slim Jim makes your wife's mouth water.
You know how mountain oysters taste, or for that matter, you know what they are.
Your mom and dad shared everything - including a set of teeth.
Your refrigerator has a coat of auto primer on it.
Your boss has to check with the probation department before firming up reservations for the
company picnics.
Your contest entry on "How to Avoid the Repo Man" won you a set of jumper cables.
You pay extra lot rent for the privilege of being within walking distance to the dumpster.
You crochet things for toasters and toilet paper.
You smoke fish in your trunk.
You grew up believing a woman with no teeth was gifted.
Your idea of foreplay is telling your wife she better be in bed by the time you count to 4.
One of your relatives went bankrupt after winning the lottery.
Your husband remembers you bra size since it's the same as his IQ.
You get discount coupons from the abortion clinic.
Your husband uses engine degreaser in place of shampoo.
You buy teeth through the mail.
You have to cut the feet off your panty hose so you can get them over your ankles.
Your sister runs a dating service on her commlink called Barren Bottom.
Your car seat covers used to be a chenille bedspread.
You've ever been tempted to make a night crawler chip dip.
Your local laundromat doubles as your day care center.
You figure you're entitled to use 7-Eleven as your business address since you use the pay
phone and restroom there.
Your first training bra came from GoodWill and had cups the size of basketball hoops.
You've tried to get credit with your sweepstakes finalist notifications.
Your dad always thought that having more than one toothbrush in the house was a waist of
money.
Your kids take empty beer bottles to school for Show-and-Tell.
Your boss keeps a bail bondsman on the payroll - just in case.
You think a mammogram is that funny little picture they're putting on credit cards now.
Your kids think Soyburger Helper is one of the major food groups.
You ever taken a six pack to a graveside service.
Your wife says she'd dust more often if you bought her a leaf blower.
You went ahead and ordered that lackhead remover since it came with a free potato peeler.
Your wife fixes the dents in her car with STOP sign and spot welder.
Your kids supply the neighborhood with WILL WORK FOR FOOD signs.
You've ever been assaulted with a toilet seat.
Your kids have to call a 1-900 phone sex number if they need to reach you at work.
You store an emergency six-pack in the toliet tank.
-
Thanks Prime Mover, now I'm homesick.
-
well thanks for remindin me to call my ma and pa prime mover
-
also...
How do you drown a Troll?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool and tell him you can still smell it
-
"Hey Ma, hey Pa!!!" :P
What do you call an ork with a small family?
A Poser.
What do you call an elf eating the salad?
Nothing, you just punch the keeb in the face.
-
what side of an ork is the hariest?
The outside
what did the trolls mother say when it asked if it could lick the bowel?
"just flush it like everyone else"
why did the Troll snort sweet-n-low?
he thought it was diet coke
why is a Troll's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
Because it swells at night
why did the Ork call the welfare office?
to learn how to cook food stamps
whats the worst six years of a trolls life?
Second Grade
-
Did you hear about the PhysAd with the sense of humor?
Every time he encountered CorpSec the sense failed...
-
At the local amusement park, a dwarf gets in line for the roller coaster. When he gets to ride, the attendant stops him and raises his hand up mid chest and says "I'm sorry, you must be this high to ride the coaster." The dwarf then points to the BTL in his sim module and replies "Chummer, I'm twice as high as that!"
-
And my last ones for this early morning hour:
Quotes overheard from Howling Coyote on the Night of the Great Ghost Dance
"No, drinking firewater does not count as a geas"
"Thats it! No more pee breaks!"
"I said grab a virgin telesma, not a virgin!"
"How the hell did you get exclusive ritual stricture? No other magic groups exist yet!"
"Don't touch my smokes! They're uh...expendable fetishes!"
"No, I don't want to make a spirit pact. Well...yes, I would like to save on my long distance calling..."
"Who locked me out of the ward?"
and lastly...
"What do you mean you're only one quarter indian?!"
-
What did the ghoul eat after his teeth were pulled out?
The dentist.
A ghoul gets himself a new ghoulfrie-, sorry, a new girlfriend and brings her over to his best friend's den to introduce the two. After some awkward conversation, the girlfriend excuses herself to grab a snack. With her out of the room, the friend turns to the first ghoul and asks "Damn, man! Where'd you dig her up from?"
What's black, and blue, and red all over?
A Lone Star cop who wandered in to a ghoul den.
What's red, and grey, and honks a lot?
A ghoul clown.
A ghoul walks in to a 'Runner-friendly bar and takes a seat on a stool near the bartender. Already people are reaching for their weapons as the bartender pulls back and says "This ain't Asamando, pal!"
"Well how the hell was I supposed to know!" shouts the ghoul angrily. "I'm blind!"
Do ghouls eat popcorn with their fingers?
No. They eat the fingers seperately.
What's nastier than nailing a ghoul baby to a wall?
Watching it pull itself off and try to eat your face!
What's a ghoul's favourite street?
A dead end.
-
Two ghouls are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
-
Way old collection, but there might be some who haven't seen it.
-
Streetsammie in a game where we were outnumbered 3:1 or something.
"We're not outnumbered, we're just in a target rich environment."
-
did not post this here yet it seems:
http://griffjon.com/sr2/
-
Streetsammie in a game where we were outnumbered 3:1 or something.
"We're not outnumbered, we're just in a target rich environment."
I like target-rich environments (http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2002-09-26).
-
Streetsammie in a game where we were outnumbered 3:1 or something.
"We're not outnumbered, we're just in a target rich environment."
I like a environments (http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2002-09-26).
gaaah, i forgot how crude the drawings were back then <.<
-
Everyone has to start somewhere.
-
Time to revive an old topic:
http://www.weregeek.com/2016/02/09/ (http://www.weregeek.com/2016/02/09/)
and also
http://www.weregeek.com/2016/02/10/ (http://www.weregeek.com/2016/02/10/)
-
and also
http://www.weregeek.com/2016/02/10/ (http://www.weregeek.com/2016/02/10/)
He is closer than he knows....
http://forums.shadowruntabletop.com/index.php?topic=12643.msg235842#msg235842
-
My, my, so many racial jokes. Try this one on:
A human, an ork, and an elf are on a boat. The human runs oversight for Renraku's GridGuide, the ork is a veteran beat cop for Knight Errant, and the elf runs PR for Evo. All of them have been having a crisis of faith, as it were, wondering if their corp's path was really the way to go. They all want to make the world a better place, and after some time deliberating, the cop walks over to the railing and unholsters his Predator. "How many lives has this weapon taken?" he wonders. "Maybe the world would be a better place without so many of our guns in it." He promptly tosses his gun overboard. "One step at a time, I guess."
This inspires the elf. He joins the ork at edge of the railing and pulls out his commlink. He starts looking through his AR feed, seeing countless social media updates. "I wonder how many people I've distracted from the real issues facing the world with NERPS adds and centrality ratings? Maybe this isn't the way to go..." He sends a few commands through his DNI, deleting his soical media profiles, and then tosses the comm into the water. "That's one less distraction in the world. One step at a time."
The GridGuide employee's eyes light up with realization. "I think I know how I can make a small difference as well," he exclaims. He walks up to the railing, and promptly pushes the other two overboard. He claps his hands and gives himself a satisfied nod. "Two steps at a time."