First: my sympathies! Sucks to have something you like go off track like this, especially when getting a good game gong is always challenging.
Second: I haven’t dealt with this situation, and obviously I’ve not been there to pick up the body language, tone, etc. from the various parties involved. Despite that I’ll hazard some thoughts, in hopes that something is of use to you – but take this with a hefty pinch of disclaimers. YMMV, no warranty expressed or implied, no actual racoons were involved in the creation of this post, etc.
And on to random internet advice:
- Have you had this discussion with his co-worker? It sounds to me like she is kind of the person this whole thing pivots on, and probably the person that knows him best. Possibly she is just as frustrated and wishes she’d never let herself be convinced to invite him and is hoping that you have a solution … but possibly not. If nothing else she might bring a little more insight about the guy.
- Some groups play in a very focused manner, others are much more random and unstructured – they may not get a lot done, but they enjoy hanging out and getting at least some stuff done. There is a possibility that he has previously played in a much less structured group than you have. You could probably ask him that, and ask what he likes about different group styles. Could be food for thought on both sides.
- Free internet diagnosis time – extra-bonus disclaimer: you get what you pay for! Sounds like the guy may be non-neurotypical. i.e. ADHD, Aspergers, or something. Where either he can’t stay focussed for long, or where he doesn’t read the body-language & tone clues to pick up on the unspoken feedback, and really doesn’t get how it makes others feel. In other words, you may have a situation not so much of simple rudeness, but rather someone that struggles with their own behavior as much as others struggle with it. In which case, sadly, it falls to those who have more mental flexibility to do a lot of the adapting.
- Whether the previous point is correct or not (and frankly you’ll probably never know—and even if it is the case, he may never have been diagnosed), I’d suggest talking to the guy (probably one-on-one, although maybe later on with some group follow-up), with the going in point being ‘how do we as a group deal with this’ rather than ‘here are your problems, deal with them.’ Yes this is a pain and more work for you, but it could pay off really well. And often the techniques and habits that some people need, others end up benefiting from as well even if they don’t need them as much.
- For example “As you know, ShadowRun takes quite a while to play through. You get distracted a lot with the books or electronics, then miss what is going on, and we have to explain it again – and this makes the whole thing even longer. I’d love if you could pay closer attention but I know that in a long evening everyone’s attention will wander sometimes, and some people’s will wander more and farther than others. So what I want to know is what I can do to pull your attention back when you really need to be paying attention.” That could be that he sits adjacent to you and you touch his shoulder to get his attention, it could be a quick “Gary, listen-up,” or whatever, but the key is getting his participation in the solution. You are more apt to get a solution that works if he’s part of it (he’ll have a better idea of what works with him, and his buy in is key). Alternatively you might then hear about how little interest he has in paying attention to the whole game, which could lead to a different conversation.
- I’d try to make a list of the top three or so behaviors that are the most disruptive, then aim to find a solution for one every session or two, since it takes work on both sides to make the new behaviors a habit. The solutions won’t be perfect, but simply by having even a partial solution it may lower his stress level, and hence reduce some of the behaviors
