Marco sighs "I successfully used the heal spell in that manner before, I was in one side of the city and Yelena was in the other side, wounded. I did not even ask the specific - just sent a spirit to heal her and anyone else that was still alive on scene. She has an habit of leaving a body trail behind her you see, she became numb to the pain of others. It is what happens after so many years of darkness. Anyhow, I pulled off that feat with no complains from Yelena - so I figured it all went well.
This time should have been easier, I was right there the spirit summoner bound was solid. My control should have been complete, this is why I do not think it is my use of magic that was flawed, it is me that was and still is flawed. I think that it has something to do with my astral blindness, I am awaken since an early age, probably since birth. It took me a while to understand that other people do not hear the spirits as I did, that adults dismissed them as imaginary friends.
I am certain that I could hear them without the aid of drugs, that I posses the astral sensing capability. I do not remember much, but I feel that something I encountered overwhelmed me, so I decided to never again open my heart to the astral. What happened with you changed me, just because I do not remember events does not mean that they do not still effect me, corrupt me and there is a great deal of pain, anger and sadness in my story, emotions that I locked away to survive. I am only now trying to experience them again.
I can craft you a focus if you like, I can show you how to do so, it would make mana more accessible to you, more intuitive. That said, I have no idea how do you access your magic. I am experienced enough to understand that different mages do so in a different manner - some things you will have to deduce your own. I lack the mental discipline and training to follow an hermetic tradition. I cannot explain magic, the same way as I cannot teach you how to breath - I do it without thinking about it, but should you require me to engineer the electrical signals that keeps air in my lungs I'd be lost. "