I try not to, but even as we weave through the crowd, connected in mind and body, my thoughts drift on her question back decades to my youth.
Janice bluer had talked a bunch of us into sneaking out from the Academy for a night of fun before we graduated. In truth I'd been not properly invited, I'd stumbled in on the discussion how to get away from the watcher spirits and been drafted into the escape without much chance to object.
I'd tried to dress for occasion, but as soon as I met the others in the reagents hall I knew the night was doomed. Everyone else was wearing jeans or skirts and I looked like I was on my was to give a report, buttoned and pressed, like always. A perfect student and a boring person. I still vividly remember coming around they corner and the snickering spreading across their faces like a plague. Oh if they could see me now.
Getting out hadn't been all that hard in the end, we'd cast a barrier around the summoner on watch and left under my invisibility spell. Since the barrier kept the spirit from reporting our disappearance we were well of campus and gone before anyone knew anything.
The club had been a loud, dark, intense kind of place. For a straight edge student with anxiety issues, a nightmare. Everyone had split up once we were inside, some going to the 'boyfriends' they'd been cultivating all year, others to the bar to have strangers but then drinks. I had put on my bravest face, dismissed the look the bouncer had given me as meaningless and marched out onto the dance floor.
Aperntly I had danced, apparently I'd been pretty cool, because everyone had come out and joined me or taken trideo recordings. It wouldn't be until later that they would confess the desire to get me off the floor and away from the eyes of the patrons before everyone realized that we weren't supposed to be here. I spent the rest of the evening ignored in the corner, a few people asked me to dance, but I don't think I could have gotten up after my humiliation.
The memory is hard to feel, the lost and embarrassed little Eva is still hard to think about sometimes, though in truth I've given very little thought tonthatbpart of my life since I got out of it. Soon would follow my days working in Mana theory, the discovery of my affinity and the theories that would lead to the spire. I hold Sylvia a little tighter as i realize the last time I was in a club was very nearly the last time I was a outsider.
Part of me wonders if I'm becoming that again, becoming unknown. Eva died in a cell, betrayed forgotten and abandoned. Part of me wants that girl to be dead, and part of me wants to help her, and part of me is starting to panic at the profound breach of my life's continuity.
What if I'm still that girl, what if I've dreamed all of his in the corner of that dingy little club? I can barely manage the words now, the beat is pounding into my head and as god as this feels I need it to stop or I have no idea what's going to happen next.
"Sylvia-" I say into her ear, but my voice is a little shaky and I cannot explain what's happening. I can't tell her. Not all this, not now "this is nice, but let's get another drink."
The old self talk starts again, the gears spinning in comfortable ruthenium 'Good, divert the moment, give yourself a goal. You can manage this, too much is riding on tonight for you to lose your shit. Just keep it together, everything will be fine'